there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
