I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
