respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
