are you still at the devil's house?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
