Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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