I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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