Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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