Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
nutella sex= disaster
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
