I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
