dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
