I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
