I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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