I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
