I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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