I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
