I faked an abortion last night.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize