He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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