She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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