get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
