So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
