He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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