you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
