my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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