I didn't shave. On purpose
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
