Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
