she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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