I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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