I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
