i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
