Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He? As in you personified your dick?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
