I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
