the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
