I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
