i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
