the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
