everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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