Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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