Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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