Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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