I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
