I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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