you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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