Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
