you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
