my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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