I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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