I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
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