New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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