I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
