You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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