Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
