You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
