Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
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I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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