Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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