R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
