I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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