All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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