I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
