oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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