I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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