Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
