roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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