***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
