accomplished twins. life is a go
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
