I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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