Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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