Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
